Wednesday, February 4, 2009

grossout (a contest)

my partner and his friend ate canned haggis this week. the two of them often eat really gross stuff together, like preserved duck eggs.
i go out when they're having one of their disgust-o-fests.

like i said, this week it was canned haggis. he and his friend cooked the haggis and ate it on toast. they washed it down with scotch, to make the experience more authentic.
when they opened the can, the haggis didn't smell or look much worse than canned dog food, they say. i was previously unaware that things that are unfavourably comparable to canned dog food were considered edible. i believe his exact words were 'like canned dog food, but with an organ-meat sort of tinge to it, and gelatinous'.
my partner was disappointed that it wasn't encased in a sheep's stomach. perv. he also claims to have enjoyed it. i've refused to kiss him for the past few days. i can't kiss a mouth that has eaten this:in case you're wondering, the ingredients are: water, lamb heart, oats, pork fat, lamb liver, pork, salt, flavours, and dehydrated onion.
the can advertises that the product is free of additives and preservatives. if i were trying to market a can of lamb hearts preserved in lard i wouldn't focus so much on that particular aspect. i'd be more likely to put 'at least it's not human flesh!' on it or something.

which brings me to my contest. what line would you put on the can to make canned haggis attractive to shoppers? how would you market it? is there a slogan or catchphrase that would make this putrid sludge appealing? leave your idea in the comments section. if you have an image that you would print on the label, link to it. the contest closes on valentine's day. the winner will recieve a variety of cool band-aids from my son's collection. he definitley has shrek, superman, spiderman and batman band-aids, and i think there are still some hello kitty, jesus and pirate band-aids floating around here somewhere. if the winning response is cool enough i'll probably feel the need to throw some other random, bizarre stuff into the prize envelope, too.

comment away!


  1. I don't really need any band-aids, so you can leave me out of the contest - but the funny was too good to pass up.

    "Haggis - food with a heart!"
    "It's not a mineral, it's not a vegetable - must be an animal?"
    "Now with the right amount of squish!"
    "It comes in a can!"

  2. Haggis, The dinner to eat with a friend.
    Haggis, AN excuse to drink scotch
    Haggis the OTHER OTher white meat
    Haggis, Down home cooking for the down home family

    Haggis, the Heart of the party.

  3. Haggis: The heart of Scotland in a can

    A wee taste o' Scotland

    Haggis in a can: It don't get much better than this! (yes, the grammatical error is on purpose)

    Haggis, a step above roadkill

  4. Haggis, not even your mom would eat this.

  5. CANNED HAGGIS: Slightly less disgusting than a big pile of crap!

  6. I also have finally grown my child out of a bandaid collection so leave me out of the contest, but I had to reply:

    Haggis - eat it at lunch and your mother in laws cooking will be greatly improved at dinner!

    Might be long if it's a small can... I'd have to send my husband to the dentist for a serious cleaning before I kissed him again! I just don't think even Listerine would cut it!

  7. Tasty, High Protein Snack!

    "Slow Cooked" in "Natural" grease!

  8. Also used as an industrial-strength cleaner!

    Won FIRST PRIZE at Milton Valley's Annual Science Fair!