a confession

on our little holiday, after the babes were in bed, my partner and i gladly changed the channel from the toddler station to one with more adult content. we were chatting, joking, drinking, snacking. it was really nice.
then an image came on the screen and everything changed. i became utterly deaf to my partner. i couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. my mouth went dry, then was flooded with juices. my guts twisted, my thighs trembled...

it was a red lobster commercial.food porn deserves its name. definitley. i was shocked at my strong, instant reaction to the image of crustaceous flesh. no human, no matter how sexy, could have caused that visceral and physical of a reaction in me. these images are nice, but they aren't the ones in the red lobster ads. you know the ones. the light is yellow, warm, inviting. the steam rises from the tender, juicy flesh. a chunk is speared and dunked in a cup of garlic butter. the mind instantly recalls that the only thing better than garlic butter is seafood in garlic butter, especially lobster.
then begins the obsessing. how can i get to red lobster? can i afford it? does it matter? what if i just went for one of their (relatively) cheap-o lunch specials? but those, looking at the online menu, don't include lobster. would shrimp satisfy me? probably not, it'd need to be the real thing. when could i go?

around and around these thoughts go, driving me to distraction. i need to refocus my mind on something more productive. less expensive, frivolous and fattening...
knitting.

grossout (a contest)

my partner and his friend ate canned haggis this week. the two of them often eat really gross stuff together, like preserved duck eggs.
i go out when they're having one of their disgust-o-fests.

like i said, this week it was canned haggis. he and his friend cooked the haggis and ate it on toast. they washed it down with scotch, to make the experience more authentic.
when they opened the can, the haggis didn't smell or look much worse than canned dog food, they say. i was previously unaware that things that are unfavourably comparable to canned dog food were considered edible. i believe his exact words were 'like canned dog food, but with an organ-meat sort of tinge to it, and gelatinous'.
my partner was disappointed that it wasn't encased in a sheep's stomach. perv. he also claims to have enjoyed it. i've refused to kiss him for the past few days. i can't kiss a mouth that has eaten this:in case you're wondering, the ingredients are: water, lamb heart, oats, pork fat, lamb liver, pork, salt, flavours, and dehydrated onion.
the can advertises that the product is free of additives and preservatives. if i were trying to market a can of lamb hearts preserved in lard i wouldn't focus so much on that particular aspect. i'd be more likely to put 'at least it's not human flesh!' on it or something.

which brings me to my contest. what line would you put on the can to make canned haggis attractive to shoppers? how would you market it? is there a slogan or catchphrase that would make this putrid sludge appealing? leave your idea in the comments section. if you have an image that you would print on the label, link to it. the contest closes on valentine's day. the winner will recieve a variety of cool band-aids from my son's collection. he definitley has shrek, superman, spiderman and batman band-aids, and i think there are still some hello kitty, jesus and pirate band-aids floating around here somewhere. if the winning response is cool enough i'll probably feel the need to throw some other random, bizarre stuff into the prize envelope, too.

comment away!

purists, avert your eyes.

whenever avocados and cucumbers are on sale at the same time i take it as a sign from the gods that it is time to make sushi.

typically we have california rolls in this house. these contain avocado, cucumber and fake crabmeat, wrapped in rice and nori. i've experimented with putting random leftovers in a roll, with varied results. the thai red curried tofu that was too hot to eat made delicious, interesting sushi. the spicy peanut sauce added interest to a plain-jane roll. the steamed broccoli did not.

this week i branched out even farther from the norm. i was making some delicious rolls for dinner and thought my son might like his own special sushi. he's usually happy to eat the rolls we're having, so long as they're small enough to fit in his mouth. (i omit the fake crabmeat since it's glutenny) but this week i thought i'd do something special for my boy.... hot dog* sushi.
one roll had avocado and hot dog, the other had hot dog and ketchup. he loved both equally. little weirdo.

*before you call me a hypocrite and a sell-out, let me explain the hot dog. yes, we eat only ethical meat. but the kid lost so much weight when he was sick in december that i doubled my fattening-up efforts. i've been buying him hot dogs because he loves them, and they take no prep. so i can grab one out of the fridge and let him shovel it down. i've also gotten the odd package of non-ethical bacon for him. i'm still fervently against factory farms, but i'm even more fervently for my son being a healthy weight.

product review: honey nut cheerios

here's a product review to make up for yesterday's silliness. this review will be short, positive, and unsullied my photographic nonsense.

i really like honey nut cheerios. i only eat them a couple of times a year, thanks to the whole not-buying-milk thing, but when we have both milk and cereal and the stars are aligned, i can't get enough of their sweet, crunchy-then-soggy goodness. soluble fibre, artificial nut flavouring... what more does a cereal need? the excessive sweetness makes the roof of my mouth go numb for a while, each time i consume a bowl. plus i'm lactose intolerant so my forays into the world of cereal-eating always result in serious, toxic gas.

i don't like other types of cheerios, or other types of cereal, or most breakfast foods, even. but honey nut cheerios are special.

i'd go on for longer about the merits of my treasured oaty o's of goodness, but we have milk and honey nut cheerios in the house, so i can't stay in any one spot for too long. the fumes emanating from my ass get to me.

but while we're talking about being a fan, check it out: this blog has its own fanpage on facebook. yeah, it's a pointless exercise in self-promotion, but you should still become a fan of 584.
it looks like linking to the fan page doesn't work. if you really want to be a facebook fan, log in, type '584' into the box on the top right corner of your screen, and select 'pages' from the tabs above the list of choices. you'll see it.

product review: cafe mocha coffe-mate (with extraneous pictures!!)

why is it that i only review products i hate?normally i boycott nestle. they're right up there near monsanto on the list of evil corporations. i miss my coffee crisp and aero bars, though. why can't a local, fair-trade based company start making those? alas.

anyways, my partner thought he'd get me a treat and picked me up a bottle of nestle cafe mocha coffee-mate. i usually drink international delights flavoured creamers in my coffee, since we don't buy milk. they make the intense, delicious coffee we drink sweet and extra delicious. not healthy, but whatever. i don't have to justify myself to you.

so, to the review:

this stuff, when tasted on its own, tastes like oversweet chocolate milk. i guess they didn't get the memo that 'mocha' implies coffee flavouring, but whatever. and it's a dairy-free product, so the fact that it tastes to similar to milk is creepy. it contains:

• WATER,
• SUGAR,
• HYDROGENATED COCONUT OIL,
• SODIUM CASEINATE,
• FLAVOUR AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOUR, (no appropriate image found)
  
• DIPOTASSIUM PHOSPHATE,
• COCOA,
• SALT,
• MONOGLYCERIDES,
• ACETYLATED TARTARIC ACID ESTERS OF MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES,
• CARRAGEENAN.

um, yuck? yeah, yuck. gross.

this creamer makes your coffee taste like there is chocolate milk in it. oversweet chocolate milk. it's not a horrible taste, but it's really nothing special and definitley not enough justification to consume all those ingredients listed above. if i want chocolate milk in my coffee i'll get chocolate milk and put it in my coffee.

plus, it all sinks to the bottom of the mug, no matter how fast you drink it, making the last mouthful into a cringe-inducing mouthful of disgusting sweetness.

so if you're out grocery shopping and this tasty-looking creamer catches your eye, keep walking. but if you're sipping your coffee and start wishing for a more expensive, less healthy and less ethical version of chocolate milk to put in it, nestle has just the thing for you!

productiveness

i finally have my camera back and so i can tell you about some of the stuff i've been doing for the past few months.i did mountains of canning and freezing all through the summer and fall. our house's corners are stacked with jars with pickles, jam, tomato sauce, and more. the freezer is crammed with tomatoes, rabbits, and half a pig. the above picture was taken in the fridge just now. the jam was opened this week, the pickles opened yesterday. it's the universe's best jam, in my humble opinion. chunky and tart and flavourful and just the right consistency. i've been hunting for excuses to eat more of it. finding a spoon is a good enough excuse, in my book.
i don't personally like pickles, but i made 11 litres of them for my partner, because he's a pickled food fanatic. we opened the first jar yesterday and he says they're the best pickles he's ever had. i believe him, since he sat down with a fork and ate half the jar right then.
i won't show you the frozen rabbit meat. you're welcome, kara.

we butchered the baby rabbits, then talked about it for about a month, and ended up butchering the adults, too. raising rabbits inside the house isn't really a great idea, it turns out. it's cool because we get local, ethical, affordable meat and we're more self-sufficent, but the flies and the stink are less cool. we'll definitley do it again when we a better setup, like a heated, ventilated garage or a well-sheltered outdoor spot.

my little guys went as yoda and luke this halloween. of course, i made their costumes. it was fantastic. we went to a party and they cuted all over the place. i went as the virgin mary, complete with an immaculate heart, but we have no pictures of that.

we made a christmas tree yesterday. we needed to have an invincible tree, since the baby is a destruct-o-bot, so here it is: green wrapping paper taped to the wall. it's actually really cool because the little dudes can make as many paper ornaments as they like and we can tape them on. it's very modern-looking in this picture, but it's already kindergarten-esque, with crayon and paint-decorated circles all over it. by solstice the green will be almost completely covered, i predict.


i've been knitting like a madwoman, lately. so many presents, so little time! the slipper has a sheepskin insole and recycled denim sole. i'm very proud of how it turned out. my right index finger, though, is suffering. pushing a tiny sewing needle through all those layers savaged it. hopefully it's healed by tomorrow, in time to sew the other slipper.
i'm making socks for my boy. he's always asking me to make him socks, so he'll be happy. i'm making them out of cotton (dishcloth cotton, the bulky-ish kind) so i can just throw them in the wash. worsted weight toddler socks sure take a lot less time than fingering-weight adult socks. i could get used to projects that take only a couple of hours.
the hat is for my sister in law. right at the end i ran out of yarn and had to unravel the beginnings of a glove i was making to get more yarn. it kept tangling and knotting... i was up really late last night finishing it. she'd better like it, is all i'm saying.

i've done about 10 other small knitting projects, too, but i don't have pictures, so i won't bore you about them.

what have you been making?

sweet nothing(s)

1. i'm on a peanut butter on toast kick. i love how peanut butter melts a little bit and gets all gooey. i love that i have found a place to buy bread where it is cheaper than making it. about 61 cents a loaf. so i can eat peanut butter on toast with wild abandon.

2. tomorrow is my partner's birthday. yes, he was born on earth day. we're out of eggs, milk, soymilk, all sorts of stuff, but i wanted to bake him a cake or brownies tonight. it doesn't look like it's going to happen. i'll get some groceries tomorrow and hopefully have something birthday-ish to feed him for dinner. he's requesting liver and onions. cooking liver makes me want to vomit.

3. i applied for a job over the weekend and i was soooooo excited because i was certain i'd gotten it, but then they never called today like they said they would. so now i'm questioning myself. did i misinterpret their apparent enthusiasm at the prospect of hiring me? are they devious and sneaky and act like that with everyone? will they call tomorrow? will i ever get a job?

4. my maternity benefits end in july. i need to find a source of income by then. any ideas?

5. is a round number. i am going to bed now. here are some random, amusing images to see you off.

vegan survey

ok, so i'm not vegan or even technically vegetarian, but we eat vegan a lot, vegetarian almost all the time, and don't support the meat industry. as i become a better cook i make more and more vegan food.

i got the survey here but if you're looking for amazing vegan recipes, look here, too.

1. Favorite non-dairy milk?

usually silk soy milk, since it's gluten free and a lot of other soy milks aren't. i'd like to try almond milk next. and kirkland soy milk tastes amazing, but i refuse to shop at walmart and so can't have it.

2. What are the top 3 dishes/recipes you are planning to cook?
my to-die-for spicy orange tofu is amazing. potato & tofu fries are a favourite, especially with the 2year old. and i can do things with black beans that i can't even write here. also falafels, soups.... i'm actually a great cook, when i make an effort.

3. Topping of choice for popcorn?
salt, chili powder and oil.

4. Most disastrous recipe/meal failure?
i made this cranberry stuffing a couple of xmases ago that was bloody awful. but it enlivened the dinner conversation, i guess, since everyone spent the whole meal making fun of it.

5. Favorite pickled item?
olives

6. How do you organize your recipes?
most are in my head, a few are in an actual recipe box, many are saved in notepad files on the computer or bookmarked.

7. Compost, trash, or garbage disposal?
mostly compost, with garbage when it's too cold to empty the full compost pail. so compost in summer, garbage in winter. yes, i suck.

8. If you were stranded on an island and could only bring 3 foods...what would they be (don't worry about how you'll cook them)?
mangoes, avocados and coffee.

9. Fondest food memory from your childhood?
hangin' with my dog.

10. Favorite vegan ice cream?
italian-made fresh sorbet.

11. Most loved kitchen appliance?
garlic press

12. Spice/herb you would die without?
chili powder

13. Cookbook you have owned for the longest time?
more with less

14. Favorite flavor of jam/jelly?
currently mango/passionfruit... mmmmmm.

15. Favorite vegan recipe to serve to an omni friend?
spicy orange tofu if they're open to tofu, chili with tsp if they aren't. (my fil went on and on praising the 'nice, meaty chili' last time)

16. Seitan, tofu, or tempeh?
tofu.

17. Favorite meal to cook (or time of day to cook)?
breakfast is easy but dinner offers more exciting possibilities.... it depends on my mood. never lunch, though.

18. What is sitting on top of your refrigerator?
boxes of cereal, bananas, apples and coffee

19. Name 3 items in your freezer without looking.
leftover vegan stew, carrots and broccoli

20. What's on your grocery list?
nothing, flying out tomorrow morning

21. Favorite grocery store?
stupidstore, it's huge and i can find anything i want, usually for disgustingly cheap. organic planet when i'm trying to be more organic/ ethical.

22. Name a recipe you'd love to veganize, but haven't yet.
bacon.
kidding. quiche would be nice, then the kid could eat it.

23. Food blog you read the most (besides Isa's because I know you check it everyday). Or maybe the top 3?
something in season, gluten free goddess, and... um... the bookmark is on the laptop and i forget the name.

24. Favorite vegan candy/chocolate?
frozen orange juice has been on my top 5 treats since i was a little kid.

25. Most extravagant food item purchased lately?
organic, fair trade, dark kicking horse coffee

26. who is the sweetest sleeping baby to lie in your lap today?