i'm really, really imperfect. so is my son. we've been known to disagree, upon occasion. take yesterday morning.now, in my defense, i'd had about 2 hours of sleep. but that's a feeble excuse. many other women could have held it together in the same circumstances, but i am not those women. really, from the moment i hauled my sorry ass from bed i was looking for a chance to blow up. then the boy emptied the container cupboard - something he does every few days. normally i let him play with the containers, then when he loses interest i bring him back and help him clean them up.
yesterday he'd barely gotten them all out of the cupboard when i decided that he needed to clean them up, now. so i said so, but maybe more like NOW. then i told him that they had to be picked up NOW, OR ELSE!!. then i proceeded to insist that they be cleaned up THIS MINUTE OR YOU'RE GETTING IN TROUBLE!!!!. being his happy little self, my son ignored my unprovoked fury and picked up the lid of a yogurt container and skimmed it across the floor. i swear that at this moment i gained a second personality, and that personality was hitler.
i swear, before i had a baby i was the mellowest person. it took a lot to get me pissed off, and even then i'd just rant and rave a bit then forget all about it. but something changed when the boy was born. there are days when i just quietly simmer away, waiting for the chance to let my rage loose. i have so much pent up fury, for no good reason. nobody has wronged me. i have a comfortable, safe life. people love me. my baby grins at me every time i look at him. my boy wants nothing more than to play with me, be hugged by me and just generally be around me. so what's wrong with me?
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Nothing. Or maybe something, especially with you being so recently in a postpartum time. Josy, kids are MADE to test our limits, and we wouldn't be human if we didn't occasionaly act.....human. You may look into some help for PPD, or you may just realize that occasionaly, you are going to just have one of those days.
ReplyDeleteOh em gee! We posted the same thing on the same day! Kids do have a way of bringing out the Hitler in all of us.
ReplyDeleteOh, Josy. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing at all. You have two small children at home and you rarely get a good night's sleep. We all have those days.
ReplyDeleteTrust me. I'm right there with you. There are days when I absolutely hate myself and the way I handle my kids. But there are really really great days too. And I just plod along my way hoping that the good far outweighs the bad.
Love you Momma.
Nora
Shit. I just left a long hearfelt comment and it got frdeleted. BAH. I'll try to repost... but it won't be as good. :(
ReplyDeleteYou've helped me through one of the most horrible depressions and rage in my life. You are an amazing person, even though I know you don't feel that way right now. I hope that I can help you in the same kind of way when I move back. I know at least somewhat what it is that you're going through... we'll talk about it in person though. I love you.
I'm not sure if it's comforting to tell you that I think all of us feel that way some days or if that just makes the situation sadder...
ReplyDeleteBut it's true. When I'm grumpy or the kids are especially defiant or hungry or tired- we all lose our temper and get angry too fast.
I think the fact that you recognize it is worth something.