when he grows up he wants to be a man

you know the kid in every crowd that's crazy and all over the place and you think to yourself 'man, i'm glad i'm not that kid's mom' or 'geez, that kid's mom is definitely doing something wrong'?
today i was that kid's mom.

i like to think that my boy is well behaved and likable, generally. i've been told many times by many people that he's bright, funny, polite and a joy to be around. apparently they were lying.

today my boy got kicked out of toddler storytime at the library. i didn't even know it was possible, but my kid managed. true, he was being a pain. he couldn't sit still to save his life. he was jumping up to see what the baby and i were doing, checking out all the doors in the hallway to see if any were unlocked, sitting down for part of a story, running over to tell me about the story... he was being disruptive and hyperactive. i was not impressed, but i can't exactly give the kid a stern talking-to in the middle of storytime, you know?

and in his defense, storytime was pretty awful. normally the storyteller reads slowly and with expression, and gets the kids to hop around between stories so they can focus better. normally my boy loves storytime and has no problem. today there was a different woman, one who speed-read without taking breaks between books. her goal was to read as many farm-themed books as she could cram into the time allotted, apparently. her style really didn't work for my kid. the other kids looked pretty restless, too, but none was jumping all over the place like my own precious crack-addled monkey.

when the assistant asked us to leave i wanted to sink into the floor. i grabbed my kids and hauled them, screaming, from the room. i grabbed some kids' movies and headed for the checkout desk. the woman who had asked us to go was there, and as she scanned the movies she offered me some colouring sheets. i declined, wanting to get the hell out of there, and she asked innocently 'oh, your kids don't even sit still long enough to colour?'

i muttered something about too many colouring books already and left.

do you think she meant that in a bitchy way? it sure sounded snarky, but that librarian is usually really sweet. it sounded mean, though... i don't know. what i do know is that my little guy is crushed that we can't go to storytime any more.

mother nature hates me

this week i finished planting. i converted my front yard into an urban tomato farm. i'd decided that i'd just grow tomatoes this year, since i have limited time & space, and of all the things i grow, tomatoes bring me the greatest joy.

but then, five minutes ago, mother nature gave her opinion.and apparently she didn't think much of my gardening plans.she especially hated my very favourite tomato plant.i guess when the hail melts and things dry out a bit i'll convert my failed tomato farm into a carrot and beet farm. yippee.

underpaid

i intended to blog last night, but instead when i got home from work i went straight past the computer, put every stitch of clothing i was wearing in the laundry, and had a painfully hot bath.

let me tell you about my evening.

i work for an agency that staffs the homes of people with intellectual disabilities. they frequently have other disabilities, too. the agency keeps sending me into homes that i haven't been trained in, where i can sink or swim. i'm not a huge fan of that practice.

last night i was in a home i'd never been in. two elderly, deaf women lived there. during dinner, loud, ominous noises came from one woman's rear end. scary noises. later i got to see the result of the noises. all over the bathroom floor. the linen closet was devoid of towels and there were only four squares of paper towel to be found in the whole house. on top of that, i couldn't find the surgical gloves. and this was a serious puddle. the light brown fluid had spread out all over the floor. i was barefoot and it soaked into the crevices in between my toes. the bottoms of my pants wicked it up. as i cleaned it up (with my bare hands) the cuff of my shirt dipped into it. i was a human shit sponge.

as i was cleaning the woman was sitting in a bath, theoretically to get clean. the water was brown with stuff floating in it. she couldn't stand in order to shower, so this was the best we could do. freaking gross. when she was ready to get out i rushed all over the house, searching for a towel. nope. she waited in the tub while i looked, screaming at me that she was getting cold, and what's the holdup?

i eventually found a towel. they were in a closed cardboard box in the back of a closet.

seriously, folks. i am very, very underpaid.

unimpressed.

this morning i woke up to this:stinkin dirty rotten filthy snow. spring was supposed to be coming. what the hell?

i've been job hunting, mostly coming up empty. it's disheartening and discouraging and depressing and lots of other words that start with d. today, out of the blue, a former employer called me up and offered me a job. four twelve hour shifts a week, sleeping. with benefits, a pension plan, holiday pay... i would get paid to sleep. seriously, paid to sleep. the money is crap, but enough. especially considering the type of work i'd be doing. which is, by the way, sleeping.

i had to turn it down since the hours conflict with my partner's work schedule.

excuse me while i go sob in the bathroom some more.

paid. to sleep.

four good things

i've been in a funk for a few days, so i am going to list some of the things in my life that are good.

1. last night i did a short session with a yoga dvd before bed, and it was wonderful. each of the dozen or so times that the babes woke me up i noticed how good my spine felt. when i'm done this post i'll do another session, and have another happy-spine night.

2. i won a contest! see? i think the prize is yarn, but i won't know for sure until i get an exciting surprise in the mail. the blog that hosted the contest is worth checking out, it's a collaborative effort with lots of good cat and knitting pictures.

3. my bff socks are practically knitting themselves. i've already started the second one, and the first looks fantastic. see? the yarn is very nice, the pattern gives me shivers, the knitting is supremely enjoyable, the end product is excellent. i'm not going to want to give these up when i finish them. i will, though, because no matter how nice the socks are, daffodylic is nicer and i want her feet to be clad in my love.

4. i drink fantastic coffee. really good coffee can make even the shittiest type of day quite a bit better.

so here's to coffee, friends, socks, knitting, contests, yarn, blogs, yoga and supple spines!

cheers!

short

my partner and my baby are feverish, limp and sad. my boy is being pretty good, considering. i'm tired and bored and stressed. so instead of posting i will just say:

camping. it's in tents.

my favourite activity

my little boy just had about 1/4 cup of light brown oil come out of his cornhole. off to google symptoms. oh, the joy.

the boy's health news, jan '09 edition

i haven't updated on my boy's health in a while. it's a major saga, so i'll recap first.

• when he was 6 months old he stopped gaining weight. babies often slow down their growth around then, so we weren't panicked, but we were keeping an eye on him.

• at 1 year i had to go back to work so he went to daycare. he started getting sick at least once a week (colds, etc) and had major digestive issues.

• at 15 months i had to quit being the sole breadwinner to keep him home, since he still hadn't gained any weight and looked like a skeleton.

• a month later i tried eliminating gluten from his diet and within a week he was digesting food properly, his bloated belly had flattened out, and he was much happier. he gradually started gaining weight.

• all through this time we were seeing doctors and trying to get some help for him, but hitting dead ends. when i cut gluten from his diet the doctor accused me of dietary neglect. i got a dietitian to sign something saying that his diet was fine to keep the doctor from reporting me to the child welfare people, then quit taking him to the doctor for a while.

• since then he's gradually put on weight and grown. when he's exposed to even trace amounts of gluten, even if he inhales it, he gets really sick for three days. he also seems to have a compromised immune system. he picks up every stray bug that comes his way. i've found that if i keep him at home he gets sick much less often, so we stay home pretty constantly. it isn't fun or exciting, but i can't handle the excitement of him being sick all the time. we've also gotten a new, better doctor, and started seeing specialists. he's had a zillion examinations and tests and no one has any idea what's wrong with him. they've ruled out several things, including celiac disease. we're still pursuing a diagnosis, but we're encountering mostly indifference from the medical community, so it's frustrating. i don't know if they don't believe me or think i'm exaggerating or what, but they don't seem to be that serious about figuring out what's wrong with my boy.

the update:

in december he got a bad cold and a cold sore, which developed into open, festering sores all over his lips, the inside of his mouth, and down his throat.

here he is on christmas eve, when he was starting to get better.

he literally didn't eat anything for a week, and he lost a lot of weight. he didn't have any weight to spare to begin with, and now he looks like one of the kids from world vision infomercials, minus the flies. and his body has been acting like it has gluten poisoning for the past two weeks, but with no apparent triggers. and he's suddenly not toilet trained at night any more, plus he's having bladder control issues during the day. something is wrong.
i don't want to take him to the doctor's, he gets sick every time we go there. but he's sick, anyways... i don't feel like asking the doctor, again, to help us figure this out is particularly productive. i'm just not sure what else to do, and doing nothing is obviously not helping him. it's really discouraging.

after all his weight loss i've been fanatical about stuffing him with as many calories as i can, most of them fats. he's been eating a delightful mixture of applesauce and lard. think creamy, faintly bacon-y applesauce. yum. lucky for me he has no idea that most people don't eat this crap, so he chows down obligingly.

anyone have any brilliant ideas?

breakable

this evening my partner started to read to me the article associated with wikipedia's picture of the day. some bug that lays its eggs strategically so that the newborn larvae can devour... i made him stop. it was making me really sad.

bug cruelty, sad books left unfinished, crying at songs and pictures and thoughts... what's going on with me? i'm not pregnant and i don't have pms. but i have been keeping up with the news coming from the middle east. it's affecting me deeply. physically. i'm a mess, emotionally. i'm not sleeping well, and it isn't just the baby's fault. my shoulder muscles are rock-hard and in pain. and i feel horribly guilty for complaining about these things; the people in gaza are dying.

white phosphorus, depleted uranium, cluster bombs. after years of systematic deprivation and degradation, interspersed with air attacks, israel is invading gaza on foot. hospitals, universities, and homes are becoming mass graves. i don't care if you support hamas or not, this isn't even remotely any way to treat a population.

the western world owes the jewish people a debt of guilt for their silence and complicity in the holocaust. we also owe such a debt to homosexuals, gypsies, people of colour, pacifists and the handicapped, and i don't see that being paid, but i digress. silence and inaction were, effectively, permission for millions of people to be rounded up and slaughtered. it was a wrong of inexpressable depth. but does this mean that the world needs to stand aside and allow aparthied, collective punishment and genocide to take place, as a way of making amends? i understand that north america's 'special relationship' with israel is about more than just the holocaust, but that's the seed from which it grew, from the little that i understand. but no matter what, nothing justifies our inaction. innocent people are being slaughtered while the western world sits on its hands. as usual.

i desperately wrack my brain for something, anything i can do. my mp is tired of hearing from me. everyone i know has been made aware. a protest has been attended. the situation goes around and around in my anxiety-ridden brain. i check the news obsessively. it all means nothing; i am powerless in the face of such a huge evil. it's fucking depressing.


for those who really want to know, read here and here.

a whiny list

6 - six days of constant crying from the boy. he's in agony. all i can do is give him nyquil and hope he cries himself to sleep. and by 'constant crying' i mean constant crying. he only stops to sleep. and he often screams in his sleep. all day, every day, he ranges between a droning cry and piercing shrieks of pain. to say my nerves are shattered is a vast understatement. oh, and his face smells strongly of rotting meat. yum.

5 - the number of firemen that came over yesterday. not for tea and crumpets. our house filled scarily with smoke and we called 911. the firemen came and hunted all over the house for the source, then figured it must have been a dust bunny that got into the furnace, and left. not coincidentally, i didn't sleep well last night. and not just because my kids were up and down like screaming, crying yoyos all night.

4 - four projects i've made with my dishcloth cotton. these socks,


a pair of baby legwarmers, and two dishcloths. actually, the legwarmers are 3/4 done. i am so sick of this yarn. sure, it's washable, hypoallergenic, cheap, and soft, but it's also deadly boring, a pain to knit with, and makes this squeaky feeling with the needles. i am craving some other yarn - any other yarn. i'm rushing through the last of that last legwarmer so i can make a hat or a slipper. i have one slipper, and i'd like another. my left foot gets jealous of its counterpart. but my toque is boring and navy blue, i'd rather look a little more stylin' when i shovel the mountains of snow that build up, making the front gate unopenable.

3 - the boy has lost at least three pounds in the past week, thanks to his inability to eat. it has taken him a couple of years to get to the point where he doesn't feel like a skeleton with some skin, but he's back to that point. he literally looks like the famine victim kids you see on infomercials for world vision. send this kid some body fat, somebody, please.

2 - two days that the baby has been healthy for. prior to that he was scarily feverish, couldn't breathe, and was performing nonstop crying duets with his brother. also he puked like some sort of crazy puking machine. i'm glad that machine hasn't been invented. my parner would probably get it for me as an ill-advised joke. the baby is still a fountain of snot, but i can handle that.

1 - one day left until we celebrate the holidays. my partner is working over the actual holidays, so we've fooled the gullible minions into thinking that santa is coming tonight. we've cut out most of our plans so that we don't rush the sick, miserable boy around trying to cram in all the christmas cheer. presents and food and hopefully naps. oh, and a bottle of wine. and some rum. sounds good to me.

brothers and their mother

the baby is going through a phase where anything vaguely humanoid is 'mama!'. the boy is going through a phase where he practices being literal and anal. so the baby walks around the house spotting all sorts of things and calling them mama and the boy follows him around, correcting him.
'mama!'
'no, that's mickey mouse.'
'mama!'
'no, baby, that's a veggietales!'
'mama!'
'NO, BABY!!! I TOLD YOU!!! that's the BROOM!!'

they have such different personalities, but they passionately love one another. with the sort of love that has room for violence and cruelty and indifference as well as hugging and sharing and playing with a dump truck in the kitchen together for a whole hour.

this week the boy went to see a pediatric gastro-endocrinologist. for the last couple of years i thought that my son had celiac disease. it turns out he doesn't. he has a mystery illness that includes dramatic responses to exposure to gluten, shitting blood and mucous and something that looked just like a placenta, a weak immune system, and very poor growth. and it seems to be getting worse. the doctor recommended a bunch of tests, since she has no idea. she specializes in this type of thing and has no idea whatsoever. that is simply not reassuring. i got to hold my boy down while he screamed and writhed as 6 vials of blood were drawn. partway through his vein collapsed. it was even less fun than what you're imagining. the next day i divvied up his morning poop into five sample containers. it was a fantastic 24 hours, i tell you.

i try not to think about the various things that could be wrong with my little boy.

*trying desperately to cheer up so this post doesn't cause depression and despondence across the blogosphere*

i've been knitting a ton. the holidays are coming and i have a huge list of things i want to make for people. i'm happy with what i've churned out so far, but i can't post pictures because *sob* my camera doesn't work. still. agh.

off to angst about sick children and dead cameras.

trying

today i woke up in a fog. it's raining, i'm tired, there are ten million things stressing me out, and the coffee sucked. so i snapped at my babes, grouched at my partner and generally tried to make everyone as miserable as i am.
i'm so not a rock star.

things to do when i'm cranky and don't like my kids: (a list for myself)

• pull out the crayons
• find toys they've forgotten about
• let them empty the container cupboard
• put on music and dance around with them until my mood improves and/ or they get worn out and fall asleep
• read to them
• claim to be going to the grocery store and leave town

ok, maybe not that last one. hitching in the rain sucks.

oy vey, what a day

i already recounted the tale of my adventures last week; falling down the stairs, the hospital visit, and so on. but here is chapter two.

chapter two: incompetency in the hospital
i got a call this morning. the doctor i saw last week said that he had been looking at my x-rays and had noticed that i had a broken foot. could i please come in to get a cast?
!@#&*%!@$!!!!!!!
so we dropped the boy off at the sitter's and went a-hospitallin'.
they showed me the x-ray. i'm not trained as, say, a DOCTOR or anything, but i could clearly see three broken bones. three broken bones that i'd been trying to walk on for the past week.
the doctor blamed the resident. the resident blamed the doctor. i politely nodded and thanked them and didn't make any waves. and inwardly detested myself for being a wuss.
a cool dude gave me my cast. he told me, among other things, that every x-ray taken is looked over by an x-ray specialist before it's filed or destroyed or whatever. so it wasn't even the crummy-ass doctor who spotted my break. although he told me he did.

but the cast is nice. i can walk fairly well in it. i wish i'd gotten it last week, though...

i wish this story ended here.

on the way home, a few blocks from the hospital, our beloved red jetta bit the dust. it suddenly made a noise like we'd driven over a mountain of styrofoam and stopped. my partner had to walk a long way to find a working payphone to call for help. the car was very cold in his absence. a friend came to get us. he knows about cars and took a look. he recommended that we start car shopping.
%@#*$!!!!!!!!!!!

so that was my day. may none of you ever top it.

sometimes i just suck

i'm really, really imperfect. so is my son. we've been known to disagree, upon occasion. take yesterday morning.

now, in my defense, i'd had about 2 hours of sleep. but that's a feeble excuse. many other women could have held it together in the same circumstances, but i am not those women. really, from the moment i hauled my sorry ass from bed i was looking for a chance to blow up. then the boy emptied the container cupboard - something he does every few days. normally i let him play with the containers, then when he loses interest i bring him back and help him clean them up.
yesterday he'd barely gotten them all out of the cupboard when i decided that he needed to clean them up, now. so i said so, but maybe more like NOW. then i told him that they had to be picked up NOW, OR ELSE!!. then i proceeded to insist that they be cleaned up THIS MINUTE OR YOU'RE GETTING IN TROUBLE!!!!. being his happy little self, my son ignored my unprovoked fury and picked up the lid of a yogurt container and skimmed it across the floor. i swear that at this moment i gained a second personality, and that personality was hitler.

i swear, before i had a baby i was the mellowest person. it took a lot to get me pissed off, and even then i'd just rant and rave a bit then forget all about it. but something changed when the boy was born. there are days when i just quietly simmer away, waiting for the chance to let my rage loose. i have so much pent up fury, for no good reason. nobody has wronged me. i have a comfortable, safe life. people love me. my baby grins at me every time i look at him. my boy wants nothing more than to play with me, be hugged by me and just generally be around me. so what's wrong with me?